Buckbeak the Thestral
by EosAella
Summary: Me - Some friends - A notebook - Boring poetry trip : utterly non-sensical crack!fic. A lot doesn't make any logical sense but it's just a bit of fun. Warning: Includes an abundance of *facepalms*. No slash. Ever.


**So my friends and I were on this poetry trip. It wasn't very interesting and many people fell asleep (not exaggeration). We decided to spend the day writing this. It is – in short – a day's worth of creativity created through boredom.**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Merlin, Harry Potter, Harry Potter Puppet Pals, How Harry Potter Should Have Ended, A Very Potter Musical, Aldi, the Sex Pistols or any of the strange quotes from the assorted poets/mr boring examiner man. In fact the only things we do own are Harriet (that's me), Romilda (My beta), Terry and Peter.**

_Arthur and Merlin are walking through the woods and see a thestrals._

Merlin: Why is there a thestrals here? I've only ever seen them at Hog-

Arthur: KILL IT!

Merlin: No Arthur! It's harmless!

Arthur: It's hideous.

Merlin: It's just like a horse but… evil looking.

Arthur: Well how would you know? It could kill us at any moment! *takes out sword and starts advancing*

Hagrid: *walks in front of thestrals* What are you doin' to Buckbeak?

Harry: That's not Buckbeak Hagrid!

Merlin: *facepalm*

Harriet: There there Merlin, it's just another cliché fic. Soon enough your magic will be revealed and compared to a sword because the authors lack originality.

Arthur: Your what will be revealed?

Romilda: *whispers* now would be a good time to start backing away slowly and then run in a comical fashion.

Hagrid: WHERE'S BUCKBEAK?

Arthur: I demand to know what's going on right now!

Romilda: *facepalm*

Harry: Ahem… He means Witherwings obviously because Buckbeak's not here that would be… you know… illegal.

Hagrid: But he was right here!

Romilda: He's having post-buckbeak depression. Let him get on with it.

Hagrid: *hugs thesral*

Romilda: Well… I think he is.

Harry: He's drunk. Aragog just died you see…

Romilda: Poor Aragog…

Arthur: I demand to know what's happening! … Again. *takes out sword which no one had realised he put away in the first place*

Harriet: Voldemort's nipple!

Harry: ?

Harriet: …

Arthur: Hello? Confused king here…

Harriet: Why's Hagrid hugging a thestrals? Buckbeak/Witherwings the hippogriff is over there *points*

Hagrid: *looks away from thestrals* GO AWAY WITHERWINGS! *continues hugging thestrals*

Romilda: Were you not listening to Harry's explanation?

_Dragon suddenly arrives and starts shouting at Merlin for revealing his magic_

Romilda: Well you're a bad dragon dad!

Arthur: *stabs thestrals*

Hagrid: NOO! *turns Arthur into a toad*

Dragon: tut tut Hagrid. I'm disappointed, couldn't you have been a bit more original? I mean a toad? Really?

Hagrid: NORBERT!

Dragon *sigh*

Romilda: I think Neville needed a new toad actually…

Arthur the toad: I WANT TO GO BACK TO CAMELOT RIGHT NOW MERLIN!

Merlin: Oh my god a talking toad!

Harriet: And yet you weren't surprised by the talking dragon?

Hagrid: *weeping* Poor Buckbeak.

Merlin: Well… It's a dragon… They always talk. Toad on the other hand…

Arthur: *hops around furiously* RRIIBBIITT!

Romlida: And the havoc begins, wait 'til the ministry hear about this!

Ron: Yeah because Norbert was soooo talkative.

Harry: Not to mention that one from fourth year, she just didn't shut up. Right little chatterbox.

Merlin: In my world they do… The dragons can't talk here due to some… err… magic stuff. Go to Albania, they're lovely there!

Romilda: Oh god another Charlie Weasley.

_Morgana appears looking all evil and other shiz._

Morgana: I have found you! Now I shall kill you and-

_BANG!_

Morgana: *is dead*

Snape: Ah, muggle weapons *throws gun aside*

Hermione: This is ridiculous! None of this makes any sense!

Draco: Wait 'til my father hears about this!

Harry: Go back to Pigfarts Draco.

Ginny: Harry…

Everyone: NOT NOW GINNY!

Ginny: *walks away with head down*

Romilda: God she's annoying…

Ron: That is my sister you know.

Harriet: Your point is?

Arthur the Toad: Anyone fancy changing me back?

Merlin: Maybe you'll get kissed by a princess and magically turn back except magic's outlawed so I doubt that will happen…

Arthur the Toad: And maybe someday I'll get a half-decent servant but I doubt that will happen either, eh _Mer_lin?

_Centaurs appear._

Arthur the Toad: What the hell are they?

Firenze: Mars is bright tonight.

Arthur the Toad: KILL IT!

Merlin: And yet you're fine with the dragon?

Arthur the Toad: I was wondering… I thought you said I killed that.

Merlin: Yeah about that…

Dragon: You told him what?

Merlin: Well I was hardly going to turn around and go 'hey Arthur, you'll never guess what. Turns out Balinor was my father but he's dead now so I'm the last dragonlord!'

Harriet and Romilda: *facepalm*

Arthur the Toad: What?

Romilda: This is where you run.

Merlin: Why? What's he going to do? Hop at me?

_Hermione changes Arthur back._

Arthur: MERLIN!

Harry and Ron: Thanks Hermione.

Hermione: What?

Ron: Well now we have to stop Arthur killing Merlin.

Harry: That's even more surreal when said out loud.

Romilda: Well of course it's surreal. This is all musings of a couple of extremely bored teenage minds.

Harriet: That's what you get for making them listen to a drunk poet.

Romilda: Disgraceful.

Drunk Poet: I think poetry is like the TARDIS.

Everyone: …

Harriet: Shut up.

Not Drunk Poet: I'm desperately keen for you all to learn how to spell. What was the question?

Drunk Poet: Why do you like poetry?

Romilda: I think she's had a drink too.

Drunk Poet: Lol.

Harriet: Bored now.

Arthur: What the slash fic is going on?

Terry: Why aren't I in this?

Harriet: Well you are now.

Terry: So I am.

Romilda: Are we even going to help Merlin?

_Everyone watches as Merlin runs comically away from Arthur._

Arthur: I WILL KILL YOU MERLIN!

Merlin: I really think you're overreacting Arthur!

Arthur: I'll show you overreacting!

Harriet and Romilda: *facepalm*

Dragon: I told him he wasn't ready to know…

Romilda: He's rather fast isn't he?

Harriet: What did you expect? He has a chase scene in almost every episode.

Hagrid: *wakes up from drunken stupor* eurgh… what- *spots dead thestral* NOO! *recognises Arthur as killer runs forward and shoots spell from umbrella*

Merlin: *throws up magical shield and spell bouces back and hits Hagrid who is knocked out*

Arthur: Sorcerer!

Harry, Ron and Hermione: *facepalm*

Romilda: This poet's slightly better

Poet: Of course I've never been in Aldi because I'm a poet and we only eat… petals.

Harriet: I suppose

Poet: *plays the sex pistols on phone*

Terry: The novelty's worn off now.

Poet: That's what happened to punk rock in our house; it became formal poetry.

Everyone: …

Poet: I'm living in the future.

Harriet: No… This is the present.

Merlin: Actually it's the future for us.

Arthur: Shut up sorcerer.

Terry: *Pinches nose and sighs*

Harriet: Lunch time!

_Forty Minutes Later._

Harriet: I have an armrest in my back.

Romilda: We're in a forext.

Harriet: Shush you.

Terry: Who's this guy?

Harriet: Examiner.

Romilda: Not even a poet…

Peter: This guy's so boring! No one's even listening.

Examiner: There are just two sentences. This is quite short.

Harriet: No shit Sherlock.

Merlin: Kilgharra, anything you can do about this guy?

_Dragon burns examiner to a crisp._

Everyone except Merlin: YAY!

Merlin: Well that was a bit extreme.

New Poet: I'll read you a poem of mine

Disembodied Voice: Ohh…

_General laughter_

New Poet: Outside the door is a terrorist.

Romilda: Oh god.

Harriet: We're in a forest?

New Poet: I open the door 'come in' I say 'come in and eat with us'

Harriet: I thought he was a terrorist?

Arthur: What's a terrorist?

Ron: Oh dear.

New Poet: *says something about a tiffin box*

Merlin: What's a tiffin box?

_Harry, Ron and Hermione fall asleep from boredom._

Romilda: So Merlin, how's the magic?

Harriet: *hits Romilda round the back of the head~* Idiot.

Arthur: MERLIN!

Merlin: Not again…

**Well that was a fun day… Some people stole our seats after lunch hence the 'I have an armrest in my back' because we had to share seats with each other. The poetry ranged from historical African figures to that awkward moment when you and your partner fornicate on the sofa in front of a cat. Yet it all managed to bore us in a variety of ways. So this is bye from me, Romilda, Terry, Peter, Arthur, Merlin, Hagrid, Harry, Ron, Hermione, The Dragon, Snape, Draco, Ginny, The dead Examiner, Dead Morgana, Drunk Poet, Not Drunk Poet, Poet and New Poet!**

Romilda: *waves*

**The end.**

Terry: Or is it?

Harriet: No it is Terry, we're going home now.

Terry: Oh, ok. See you tomorrow.

Everyone: Bye!


End file.
